Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
