I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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