Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
