i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
