Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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