If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
