In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
