my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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