I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
