Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
