At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
