does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
