Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Its about making memories worth repressing
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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