My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize