I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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