Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
