There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
