Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
