i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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