It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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