I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
