I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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