I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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