I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize