the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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