the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
