I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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