Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
