I wish my penis had an off switch
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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