i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
