I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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