Barsexuality is the new black.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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