hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
