He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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