Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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