i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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