I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
