So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
