I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
