final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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