my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
