you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
