So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
