I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
