Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
How's work?
Spinning.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
