I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
