I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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