Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
