Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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