You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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