had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
