Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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