Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
