The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
