I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
