apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
