just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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