Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
