I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
