This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
