There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
